[Korean Culture & Language] Why say '아니에요'

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Try saying “You look beautiful today” to a Korean. Most of them would smile and reply “아니에요,” instead of saying “고마워요”. You might also have experienced a moment when you said “Thank you,” or “Sorry” to a Korean, and they responded by saying “No”. 

A: 미안해요.

B: 아니에요.

Or

A: 고마워요.

B: 아니에요.

Or even

A: 예쁘세요.

B: 아니에요.

It can be really confusing. Why don’t Koreans say “You’re welcome,” “Thank you,” or “It’s okay”? 

If you have a Korean friend or have lived in Korea, you would probably know by now that Koreans are expected to be humble and also can be really shy. Because they are expected to be humble, simply accepting the compliments can be seen as ‘overly confident’ to some people. 

For example, when someone tells you that you’re pretty or handsome, and you say “thank you,” they might be surprised and say, “oh, you know that you’re pretty, huh?”. From a Westerner’s point of view, this can be difficult to understand. The person just complimented you, and you’re not supposed to take their word for it? 

It can be confusing because being humble in Korea has a different standard. To show your humility, you have to even deny the compliments.

But what about responding to gratitude or apologies? 

Compared to many Western countries, Koreans don’t say “thank you,” or “sorry” very often. This is ironic because Koreans think pride is as important as humility. Many people think saying “sorry” puts them in a weaker position. So while trying to be humble, Koreans actually try not to seem too weak. 

When they do say thank you or sorry, however, they are voluntarily putting themselves in a weaker position. That could be one reason why the others deny them by saying “아니에요 (no),” which can imply “don’t worry about it,” “don’t mention it,” or “not a problem,” bringing them back up to a stronger position.

But these are just general manners. Among friends, if someone compliments you, you can just be sassy and say “알고있어 (I know) 😉”. If you pay for your friend’s dinner and they say “thank you,” you can respond by “다음에 네가 사줘!”.

Try saying “오늘 예쁘네요” or “오늘 멋지네요” (You look great today) to a Korean and see how they respond. If they say “아니에요,” argue with them by saying “맞아요!”. I bet they would laugh and accept your compliment. Koreans sometimes feel forced to be overly humble to fit social norms, and it can be stressful. 

According to Harvard Health, giving thanks can even improve your mental health. (Giving thanks can make you happier - Harvard Health) In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.

Let’s create a healthier society by complimenting, expressing gratitude or apologizing today!